Sports, Motivation & Psychology
"I don't give advice!
Through the separation to his ex-wife he came to take a closer look at himself and the reasons for the separation - today, as a coach, he wants to help men to process separations better and faster and to take the chance to develop. Style PASS online spoke with men's coach Volker Sigg about his approach to the topic of heartache.
Style PASS online: Who suffers more from a separation: men or women?
In my experience, you can't generalise about that. It is rather the case that the part that suffers more is the one that is left, because emotionally and organisationally the person leaving is usually months or even years ahead. Which is already the case, however, that men are not so keen to admit their pain and are more likely to want to deal with it themselves. Women are more likely to confide in a friend or seek coaching. This is also the reason why women are better able to cope with the separation in the medium term than men.
Style PASS online: In your experience, what are the reasons for a break-up?
- breaking up because you have fallen in love with someone else
- Serious communication problems
- Too many expectations of the partner
- Pressure due to financial difficulties (and there you always say money
does not matter)
- One partner develops further, the other one stops!
Style PASS online: From an individual point of view, a separation sometimes destroys future plans, for example if children have to be planned or the house still has to be paid for. Do we all have to think more flexibly?
Personally, I think marriage is a wonderful thing, even though I myself have been through hard times after the separation and I know many men and women who are experiencing equally hard times. Marriage provides security and a haven, it offers space for depth and development ... even if we perceive it as that. A separation and divorce is usually very tragic for all parties, but especially for the children. After a divorce, parents should definitely try to stay parents and not go to war with each other. This usually happens to injured vanities and unresolved childhood experiences.
I also work on this with men and couples. But a separation is not the end of the world, even if it often feels that way, especially in the beginning. I am not sure if a more flexible way of thinking will help here, but it will certainly help to accept the situation as it is and make the best out of it. Often constellations come up which we cannot imagine at the beginning, but which in the end lead to a lighter, more open and loving life.
Style PASS online: You have gone through a separation yourself. Can your experiences help men to deal with a separation better?
Yes, absolutely. Through my own very painful break-up I can empathise with men very well. I know how unbelievably hard it is to be left and everything that you have painstakingly built up collapses - house, children, family, circle of friends - everything suddenly changes or falls away.
I have gone through all kinds of emotional and organisational chaos and I am therefore the right person to talk to in this situation. In addition, of course, I am a trained coach and am therefore also trained to give new perspectives in such extreme life situations and to lead the men into a new life.
Style PASS online: Why "only" men and not also women you coach?
Because it is particularly important to me to rebuild and develop men in such situations. Women are - as I mentioned - for the most part already much further along in terms of personality development and self-reflection. For men there is a lot to catch up on here. And I am burning for men to face up to themselves and recognise what a strong and at the same time gentle and feeling man you are. In the end, women also benefit from this. And for women, of course, these offers are also available, just not from me.
Style PASS online: There is a saying "Advice is blows" - what is your approach as a coach: good tips or more listening?
The saying is absolutely true. As a coach, I don't give advice, but work out their way together with the clients. This is what distinguishes coaching from consulting. Consultants show a prefabricated path that could work - as a coach we develop together an individual path that works. In other words, in coaching it is definitely more about listening. The art of a good coach is then to cast what he has heard into a working solution together with the client.
Style PASS online: Can sports or group experiences, such as group sports, help in dealing with a separation?
Yes, conditionally. Sports and group experiences are perfect for getting the most out of yourself and not getting lonely. They help to overcome a separation more quickly because you maintain your social contacts. Sport also releases happiness hormones and reduces stress hormones. All this of course helps to overcome a separation, but the inner processes are often so deeply rooted that it is definitely worthwhile to hire a professional coach to get to grips with them and change them for the long term.
Style PASS online: The way back? Can a separation also be a chance for a new start with the same partner?
Basically yes, but for this to happen, both partners must be prepared to leave the old arguments behind and start over. It is very important to develop together and see what led to the original separation. If a new start is only due to missing something, most couples end up in the same situation that led to the separation. It is then the common task to leave this old situation behind. This is only possible with personal development. Couple coaching, which I also offer together with a partner, helps here too.
Many thanks for the interview